Good-bye For Now

     I am pretty much consumed with grief right now. My heart is broken, and I'm a little lost.
I have always been so horrible with change. I don't like for events to come along and change my life, I guess I don't like that loss of control.
    


    Family to me is the most important thing. They may not always make the right decisions or do things the way we think they should, but family is the reason we are here and in part the reason we become who we become. Our mothers and fathers are responsible for bringing us into the world, grandparents are here to spoil us and send us back home to our parents. The saying, "It takes a village" rings true, especially in my life. I have been so blessed to have the family that I have, and I have so much family to be thankful for. The best part for me is that so much of my family, so many of those people who made me who I am aren't even biological, most of them CHOSE to be in my life, and that makes me feel twice blessed!
     2011 has been a very trying year for me. Every year I say that I am going to make the next year better, and I make a conscious effort to do so but have failed thus far. I am trying to become a more positive person, to let go of anger and pain that I have held on to for so long. Every year I try a little harder to let go of it all, but the first months of this year just have not allowed it.
       January started and I thought alright, this is going to be a good year then the hits started coming. Everyday life, hardships and strife I can handle. I let things bounce off me and go on with my day, that's my strength. Then February came and more than everyday hardships flew at me. February 19th brought one of the worst days of my life. I had spent two weeks working six days and I was pretty happy that this being the third week of six days, I didn't have to go in until 10:00.... that is until I woke up and got the shock that rocked my world. Waking up at 8 am, I checked my phone as I usually do and saw a text message from my boss, and also a message from my grandmother. I chose to ignore the text from my boss asking if I could come in early, after all, I had spent 2 whole weeks working 6 days, going in at 5:30 in the morning.... I was going to take my time getting there. Noticing that my Nanny, who doesn't call very much (she works night shift, and I work days) had called me twice, once being at 5:36 am I got nervous and wondered what was going on, so I called her back. I knew it was early, but I had to call and find out what was going on.... that's when I was hit harder than I had ever been hit before.
       When she said the words, "Tammy died last night", I could have hit the floor. I had to ask again to make sure I had heard it right, and when she repeated it, all the breath left my body. My aunt had gone home to be with Jesus, and her loving husband Johnny but I couldn't fathom it, and today almost 3 months later I still have days where it doesn't seem possible.
        

          It has taken me almost that full 3 months to write this blog, I started it not long after she passed and I think now I am finally in a place where I can finish it. As I said before, I am blessed with so much family and I have so much love in my life, more than most but losing someone you love never comes easy, no matter how many people are left to love you. My aunt Tammy and I had been close my whole life, she loved my like I was her own and I always felt so loved with her, no matter what. Some people don't understand what she meant to me, because we had lost touch in the last few years. We hadn't completely stopped talking but we had grown further apart. I guess that happens as you grow up, you grow apart. You have your own life to live, as do they and the busier you get the harder it is to keep up with what everyone is doing and talk to or see each other. Some don't realize what my life would be like if I hadn't had her, I don't even know what it would be like. I can honestly credit her with "saving" me, when I had no one else to do so.
         Making choices as a teenager, when you are really still a child is a hard thing. I can say that I made some horrible decisions, although now years later, I wouldn't change anything. Getting pregnant at the age of 17 was not my ideal situation, it wasn't in my plan but it happened. I had a mother who at that time couldn't take care of herself, much less raise her own kid, much much less raise a grandchild (although she promised she would). My father had never been there for me, and he had made it very clear in very few words that he was very disappointed in the choice I had made, but I guess he never thought about how disappointed I was in myself. I did have family support, which carried me through and my mom tried to do her best, but I needed more and I found that in my aunt Tammy. She was sad for me, that I was going to have to lose my childhood but at the same time she was so excited. She went out and bought, along with my mom anything and everything I could have possibly needed for my sweet little one who was on the way. She wanted to be involved in it all, she wanted to know everything that was happening, and wanted to do anything she could for me! I believe this is the point that we became the closest we had ever been.
       September 13, 2000 brought the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen, and a love like I never thought was possible, and my aunt Tammy was right there for it all. She was in the delivery room with the video camera, she was there everyday til we went home, and she even came to the hospital to get us the day we got to go home. It meant so much to me to have her there. She, in that moment in time, felt like a mom to me. She never stopped being that way, from that moment on. She loved Adriana just as much as she had always loved me and she wanted to spend as much time with her as she could. She was so proud to be an aunt to my beautiful little girl, and she was always taking pictures of her and making me magnets to put on the fridge or making shirts with her picture on it. She made birth announcements for me, and all kinds of other pretty things because she just loved her so much. Unfortunately, not many in my family liked Jeremy (Adriana's dad) and many times we would be asked to leave the house we were staying in, because we (he and I) could not get along and we would argue all the time. Yet, in order to keep Adriana and I close she let the three of us move in to a little shed, that had been transformed into a little house. Had she not made this decision, I don't know where Adriana and I would have ended up. She did big things for me, and she did small things but she will never know just how much any of it meant.
        In the last few years her health had declined. Years ago she had been diagnosed with two different diseases, one being Graves' disease, and the other myasthenia gravis.... not long after being diagnosed she was hit by a car in the parking lot of the school where my cousin went to school, by a girl who had parents with no obvious signs of parental skills. After spending only 3 weeks in juvenile, she was released and I believe that my aunt had a hard time coping with that, I know the rest of us did. She could have been killed and justice was definitely not served, but at least she was still here. As I said before, she and I had grown apart over the years, but it never changed my feelings for her and it never diminished the appreciation I had for the person she was to me. I couldn't have asked for much more in an aunt, and the morning of February 19, 2011 took her from me, took her from her children, and grandchildren, from her mother and sister and brother. For a while anger over took me, one of the stages of grief from what I hear. She wasn't done, she wasn't ready to go, she had so much to live for. Then the depression, not wanting to do anything, just curl up in a ball in my chair with my blanket and stare at a TV hoping that the world as I knew it at that moment in time would just desolve away, but it didn't. The world kept on keeping on, and I knew I had to as well. She would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted me to take on the world the way she always did. She would want me to hold my head high, take care of her great niece, and become GREAT. That is my plan. In the months since her death, I have managed to get a new car, although that doesn't make me exceptional, it made me happy. I have also changed jobs in an attempt to make life better for my family and I, just the way she would want. She never wanted me to work for Weigels, she warned me against it because of her experience working for the company but she knew that I had to do what I had to do.
       I sincerely believe that she is up in Heaven, watching over us and helping us along our way. I believe she smiles everyday at the sight of her gorgeous grand-daughter Sydney, I believe she is so proud of her red-headed wonder Brenden, I know she proudly rejoices her amazing children Kayla, Leslie, and Bobby. I know she is up there watching as we walk, and I know she holds her head high as I get to come to a new job everyday seeing that I am trying to better myself. I know that she watches Adriana at dance, or at track and she bubbles with excitement as she sees her achieve new things and discover new worlds. I know that even though she isn't here with us physically, she still loves us more than we could ever know, and I know as long as we keep her alive in our hearts, and minds.... she can never be completely gone. My heart is still broken, and I still miss her more than she could know but it helps to know that she is no longer in pain and that she is with the man who loved her more than he loved himself, and that she is with Jesus. As a matter of fact, I may be just a little jealous because nothing could be better than spending time with HIM!! One day I will get to meet HIM, and I will get to be with her again. She will have a new and glorified body and she will never hurt again. Thank you God for all your blessings, and take care of her til we get there. I love you Aunt Tammy, and miss you so much. Have fun with Jesus til we get there.... this isn't good-bye, its see you later.

In the Darkness

The Stats:

Women: 1 in 4
Men: 1 in 6

This is no kid friendly blog.... this isn't for the light-hearted... its true, its fact, its life based and it hits the core of all who have suffered from it.

I have been watching a lot of shows lately that have centered on molestation... so I stop right here, let you catch your breath and give you the option to A) click off my blog and keep your peace of mind or B) read on and take a chance of aquiring a new peace of mind, maybe getting some understanding that you have never had or just gaining a new compassion for others. But either way, its a topic I have to write about because it has been so in my face all my life and intensified so much by these shows lately....

I have been very inspired by Oprah here lately.... I don't know why its just here lately but it has been. I have been watching Oprah for years and years, but here lately its like every word she is saying is for me. To give me some kind of insight on how to better my life or to let go of the things that keep my life so bogged down and so dark. This is her last season as just a talk show host, and yet this season is the one that has proved to me that she is truly a powerhouse. What other woman could gather 200 men in one room to admit that they have been and very candidly discuss how and when they were MOLESTED? The stories are horror stories, stories that even if I had true enemies, I would never wish this terrible injustice on them.

Molestation in its rarest form is nothing short of murder. The age of the victim is no matter, when you touch someone or you force them to do things that they 1) don't want to do and 2) don't even come close to understanding, you take from them every ounce of innocence that GOD provided them with. You take from them the ability to correctly differentiate between what real love is supposed to feel like and what a false love is. You take from your victim the ability to trust anyone including themselves, the self-esteem that lets them know they are worthy of so much more than having some creep like you in their lives, and the definition of who they are and who they have the ability to become. Molestation is a crime all its own, because you essentially murder your victim when they act happens and you keep murdering them day after day until they learn how to efficiently "forgive" you and let go of what happened. After you have murdered them, daily for God knows how many years, you rob them. You rob them of a sense of worth, a sense that their lives and homes are safe, you rob them of all trust, and of relationships in the future.

Using a few of the excerpts from the show on Friday November 5th I will explain to you what MOLESTATION is from a man's point of view.....

"The shame goes so deeply within your soul, it just intertwines everything, and you become the darkness. You are the one who's the problem, it was your fault... you asked for this".... ~Bill

"I had a crime commited against me before I was 10 years old, before I was 10 I had a horrible crime commited against me. And I should feel ashamed of that?" ~Rich

That is only 2 of the statements from this show alone that moved me. Those 2 statements really spoke to me and the first actually sparked this blog... that statement put a fire under me. It made me want to stand up and say, "this is not right, stop killing your victims! Stop being so selfish and taking EVERYTHING that these people have."

I am sure that many will not like this part of my blog, and honestly, its going to be the hardest for me to write but I have to get it out, no matter who likes it, or who wants it out there....
   If you don't want to hear a personal story, please don't read any further, please do not judge my decision to tell this story because sometimes the only way to find the light in the darkness is to open the door and allow the light to pass....

I was the victim of molestation....
   Okay, I will give you a minute.

Okay, minute is up.... lets talk. Those closest to me know the who, what, when and where of the situation and those are the only ones who get to know those specifics.... that is my secret for now and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to reveal that to others. I have lived so many years in "the darkness", I have hated myself and others for reasons that in my conscious mind I could not figure out. I have been so abnormal for so long, so angry, so bitter and hateful. Until these later years in my life, I couldn't figure out how to have a successful relationship. I couldn't figure out how to trust and to this day trust comes in waves, still 20ish years later life is day to day. I know that for almost everyone life is day to day but for a molestation victim, life is minute to minute and for me with a family history of depression, a horrible thing like this just makes the impact seem hopeless. Earlier in life, I could put my shame, hurt and angish on paper. The way I coped with everything was either by writing or listening to music, and I honestly believe had I not had pen and paper, and a radio in my very early years I wouldn't be here today. As I grew up, and got on up into my teen years I lost all ability to cope, still using music to bandage the wounds that I otherwise had no clue how to tend to. I have never talked to a counselor about this and I honestly believe that I should have. That is the only thing that I "blame" my family for.... not getting me help. For putting all their faith on the shoulder of this small child, and asking her to hide this and cover it up and keep it in so that "people wouldn't know". It has been swept under the rug for so long that I really wouldn't know how to approach my family to talk about it, and I hope with all my heart that if they read this they don't get angry with me. For some people being a victim makes you stronger, makes you want to conquer the world. For others it is debilitating, it makes you want to crawl into a corner, or under a rock. For some people, people such as myself, it blackens your soul and permanently breaks your heart. As much as you want to lay down and die, you know you can't.... you know you have to keep going for yourself, and for others. And a little part of you says, "I will not be a victim forever. You can take a part of me one time, but after that I WILL NOT be your victim anymore." It took me many years to figure this lesson out, to learn that if I live in this darkness everyday, my attacker takes more and more of me. I know that I am not completely out of the woods, I'm not completely free of all the lingering effects that molestation leaves behind but I am healing. It took me many years, but I am finally freeing myself of the darkness and it feels so good!..........