In the Darkness

The Stats:

Women: 1 in 4
Men: 1 in 6

This is no kid friendly blog.... this isn't for the light-hearted... its true, its fact, its life based and it hits the core of all who have suffered from it.

I have been watching a lot of shows lately that have centered on molestation... so I stop right here, let you catch your breath and give you the option to A) click off my blog and keep your peace of mind or B) read on and take a chance of aquiring a new peace of mind, maybe getting some understanding that you have never had or just gaining a new compassion for others. But either way, its a topic I have to write about because it has been so in my face all my life and intensified so much by these shows lately....

I have been very inspired by Oprah here lately.... I don't know why its just here lately but it has been. I have been watching Oprah for years and years, but here lately its like every word she is saying is for me. To give me some kind of insight on how to better my life or to let go of the things that keep my life so bogged down and so dark. This is her last season as just a talk show host, and yet this season is the one that has proved to me that she is truly a powerhouse. What other woman could gather 200 men in one room to admit that they have been and very candidly discuss how and when they were MOLESTED? The stories are horror stories, stories that even if I had true enemies, I would never wish this terrible injustice on them.

Molestation in its rarest form is nothing short of murder. The age of the victim is no matter, when you touch someone or you force them to do things that they 1) don't want to do and 2) don't even come close to understanding, you take from them every ounce of innocence that GOD provided them with. You take from them the ability to correctly differentiate between what real love is supposed to feel like and what a false love is. You take from your victim the ability to trust anyone including themselves, the self-esteem that lets them know they are worthy of so much more than having some creep like you in their lives, and the definition of who they are and who they have the ability to become. Molestation is a crime all its own, because you essentially murder your victim when they act happens and you keep murdering them day after day until they learn how to efficiently "forgive" you and let go of what happened. After you have murdered them, daily for God knows how many years, you rob them. You rob them of a sense of worth, a sense that their lives and homes are safe, you rob them of all trust, and of relationships in the future.

Using a few of the excerpts from the show on Friday November 5th I will explain to you what MOLESTATION is from a man's point of view.....

"The shame goes so deeply within your soul, it just intertwines everything, and you become the darkness. You are the one who's the problem, it was your fault... you asked for this".... ~Bill

"I had a crime commited against me before I was 10 years old, before I was 10 I had a horrible crime commited against me. And I should feel ashamed of that?" ~Rich

That is only 2 of the statements from this show alone that moved me. Those 2 statements really spoke to me and the first actually sparked this blog... that statement put a fire under me. It made me want to stand up and say, "this is not right, stop killing your victims! Stop being so selfish and taking EVERYTHING that these people have."

I am sure that many will not like this part of my blog, and honestly, its going to be the hardest for me to write but I have to get it out, no matter who likes it, or who wants it out there....
   If you don't want to hear a personal story, please don't read any further, please do not judge my decision to tell this story because sometimes the only way to find the light in the darkness is to open the door and allow the light to pass....

I was the victim of molestation....
   Okay, I will give you a minute.

Okay, minute is up.... lets talk. Those closest to me know the who, what, when and where of the situation and those are the only ones who get to know those specifics.... that is my secret for now and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to reveal that to others. I have lived so many years in "the darkness", I have hated myself and others for reasons that in my conscious mind I could not figure out. I have been so abnormal for so long, so angry, so bitter and hateful. Until these later years in my life, I couldn't figure out how to have a successful relationship. I couldn't figure out how to trust and to this day trust comes in waves, still 20ish years later life is day to day. I know that for almost everyone life is day to day but for a molestation victim, life is minute to minute and for me with a family history of depression, a horrible thing like this just makes the impact seem hopeless. Earlier in life, I could put my shame, hurt and angish on paper. The way I coped with everything was either by writing or listening to music, and I honestly believe had I not had pen and paper, and a radio in my very early years I wouldn't be here today. As I grew up, and got on up into my teen years I lost all ability to cope, still using music to bandage the wounds that I otherwise had no clue how to tend to. I have never talked to a counselor about this and I honestly believe that I should have. That is the only thing that I "blame" my family for.... not getting me help. For putting all their faith on the shoulder of this small child, and asking her to hide this and cover it up and keep it in so that "people wouldn't know". It has been swept under the rug for so long that I really wouldn't know how to approach my family to talk about it, and I hope with all my heart that if they read this they don't get angry with me. For some people being a victim makes you stronger, makes you want to conquer the world. For others it is debilitating, it makes you want to crawl into a corner, or under a rock. For some people, people such as myself, it blackens your soul and permanently breaks your heart. As much as you want to lay down and die, you know you can't.... you know you have to keep going for yourself, and for others. And a little part of you says, "I will not be a victim forever. You can take a part of me one time, but after that I WILL NOT be your victim anymore." It took me many years to figure this lesson out, to learn that if I live in this darkness everyday, my attacker takes more and more of me. I know that I am not completely out of the woods, I'm not completely free of all the lingering effects that molestation leaves behind but I am healing. It took me many years, but I am finally freeing myself of the darkness and it feels so good!..........